Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
