is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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