he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
