conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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