my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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