Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
