my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
