I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Randomize
