Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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