I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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