New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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