I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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