apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
