When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
