The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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