I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
