i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
