I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
