Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
