i don't like sucking hair
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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