everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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