don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
