My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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