it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
