he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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