who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
