Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
