My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
How many fucks given?
0.12846
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
