A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
