Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Everything about him screamed your future.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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