I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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