you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
