All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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