He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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