Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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