I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
