...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
even my farts smell like vagina
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
