So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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