I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
