Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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