I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
