Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
