PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
