why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he puts the penis in happiness.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
