I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
