I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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