TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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