last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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