life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
