i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
