I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
