oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
