Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
