Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
