just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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